Hi Erin, I'm Locke, I work with Dr. Tamerius--she's out of town this week and asked me to respond to comments.
I understand the very real, sometimes necessary need to protect yourself and your life.
May I ask how you define "MAGA"? Does that include anyone who voted for Trump or is the MAGA term a measurement of how devoted or passionate they are in their support for him?
That's very fair, especially the part about maintaining boundaries for your own safety and sanity. But two things we think about:
1) Not everyone who voted for Trump is fully "MAGA" -- many of them voted for him for their own reasons (which we may not agree with), despite not being huge fans of the man himself.
2) Those who are more fully "MAGA" can still find their way back, but a huge part of that is support and encouragement from loved ones or friends. Which can be very hard and slow, no doubt. That's why we encourage folks to at least maintain some sort of connection, keep the door open, or at least ajar, unlocked.
But we admit it's hard work, and sometimes it means giving up some of our time, energy, and even our peace or piece of mind, IF we feel we can spare it (which is tricky in these fraught times). We think of this work as a form of activism (as well as repairing broken family and friend ties) that does require work and sacrifice from those who can and are willing to do that.
But that work and where we direct it are going to be different for everyone, depending on who they have in their life, their relationships with them, etc, and we always support people practicing whatever self-care they need to first.
Some of these may work, for some people. My 75 year old sister, while visiting her at her home, screamed at me to never come back to her home, over a disagreement about tRump and faux Fox News. She is so far down the rabbit hole, there is no light to ever be seen…..it was quite frightening actually, to listen to her hysterical screaming and support for everything pres musk and t have done and are doing. If only she would listen to real news.
Hi Kate, I'm Locke, I work with Dr. Tamerius, and while she's out of town this week, she asked me to respond to comments.
I'm so sorry about the situation with your sister, I'm sure that's very painful and upsetting for you.
Two things come to mind:
1) We all need to do the self-care necessary to keep ourselves sane, and it's understandable if some personal relationships feel too hard right now to repair. Not everyone can do everything with everyone right now. We're here to support you and guide you whenever you feel you can and want to try repairing things with your sister, but that's your decision, and if you need time and distance, that's okay.
2) That said, one thing we do try to embrace in Smart Politics is that no one is ever really too far gone. That can be difficult, especially in situations like yours, where you have close family ties, and as I said above, maybe it's not something you can fully take on right now--that's okay. But I want to support the idea that people can change back-- just as they went down that rabbit hole, they can be helped back up, but it can take time and care.
Even if you can't talk to your sister right now, do you feel you can keep the door open in the future for you or someone to help her find her way back?
Thank you so much for sharing your situation -- I know it's not easy, but I appreciate you being willing to speak out here about it.
I’ve taken the high road in the past and overlooked her poor behavior towards me….so I can see somewhere down the line, doing so again. I appreciate your support and feedback.
Of course, you're so welcome! I appreciate you sharing and being honest and open -- and I'm glad you're at least open to doing more sometime when you can. If you ever have questions or need support, please let us know.
Hello and thanks for your response. I guess my take is, she has to reach out to do the repairs. We have a 94 year old mother with dementia in memory care. I imagine we will see each other at some stage due to that. I’m feeling a bit numb right now to think about saving my sister. Maybe at some point…sad how this horrible man and president is more important to people than family……
That's such a challenge when trying to care for your mother--it can certainly make everything harder.
You know your sister and your dynamic with her best. But I will say in this work we sometimes have to be patient and be the "bigger person," even if (especially if) the other person isn't making an effort. It can feel like it's not fair, but we believe it's always possible the other person may not make the first step or effort, but they may be open to it if we open the door for them a bit and welcome them in, working hard to put aside our own expectations and judgment. That's really hard -- especially with close family, especially when also dealing with other family care challenges.
Do you feel there would ever be a time and opportunity for you to say something to your sister like (and I'm just guessing broadly here -- this may not reflect your dynamic) "I know we disagree on politics, but I care for you, and I care for our mom, and want to work with you to help her. And if you ever wanted to talk about our political differences, I'd be happy to try"? That may be a lot, maybe too much right now, but is at least any part of it something you could see yourself saying in the future?
Thankfully neither my (American) wife nor myself have any close family members or friends who are trumpers. To us he is, and remains, a lout with patrimonial ambitions none of whose words or actions surprise us any more.
Dieter Ehrlich and Tillie Ch'ien (Living in France, for good measure).
I tried all these, patiently, for 5 years, with a close friend. But when T was inaugurated, and I and people I care about started to experience harm, I realized that my friend participated in
Creating these conditions. That’s when I decided I needed to end the relationship. There was no way to avoid politics in this situation, because everything is about politics now, even if it’s not about politics on the surface—understand? Your ideas can work with some relationships in my life, but not with someone I share my hopes and dreams with.
Hi Nancy, I know I responded to one of your comments last week over on my own post, and sorry to pop in here as well, but Karin is out of town this week and asked me to respond to comments :) She'll be back next week, and hopefully she can also respond to you. I know this is a difficult situation for you, and I appreciate you sharing it with us.
I'm also glad you feel these approaches can work with some relationships, if not all of them right now. I hope you'll continue hanging out with us and doing what you can do with the relationships where you feel it works.
These are such challenging times -- you're always welcome to share your own challenges here, and I hope we can provide some support and community.
I would love to delve deeper into this but I’m not sure I can concentrate at work
Totally understand, Alan! Hope you'll bookmark us and circle back when you can!
Helpful reminders, especially 3 and 7.
Just no thanks
Don’t need MAGA in my peace
Hi Erin, I'm Locke, I work with Dr. Tamerius--she's out of town this week and asked me to respond to comments.
I understand the very real, sometimes necessary need to protect yourself and your life.
May I ask how you define "MAGA"? Does that include anyone who voted for Trump or is the MAGA term a measurement of how devoted or passionate they are in their support for him?
Thank you for commenting!
Locke
A person who has a sick obsession with a failed businessman, adjudicated sexual assaulter, lying, fake “Christian”.
If one of my family(my brother)or friend has an undying love of this type of person I don’t need them tampering in my life.
That's very fair, especially the part about maintaining boundaries for your own safety and sanity. But two things we think about:
1) Not everyone who voted for Trump is fully "MAGA" -- many of them voted for him for their own reasons (which we may not agree with), despite not being huge fans of the man himself.
2) Those who are more fully "MAGA" can still find their way back, but a huge part of that is support and encouragement from loved ones or friends. Which can be very hard and slow, no doubt. That's why we encourage folks to at least maintain some sort of connection, keep the door open, or at least ajar, unlocked.
But we admit it's hard work, and sometimes it means giving up some of our time, energy, and even our peace or piece of mind, IF we feel we can spare it (which is tricky in these fraught times). We think of this work as a form of activism (as well as repairing broken family and friend ties) that does require work and sacrifice from those who can and are willing to do that.
But that work and where we direct it are going to be different for everyone, depending on who they have in their life, their relationships with them, etc, and we always support people practicing whatever self-care they need to first.
Locke
Some of these may work, for some people. My 75 year old sister, while visiting her at her home, screamed at me to never come back to her home, over a disagreement about tRump and faux Fox News. She is so far down the rabbit hole, there is no light to ever be seen…..it was quite frightening actually, to listen to her hysterical screaming and support for everything pres musk and t have done and are doing. If only she would listen to real news.
Hi Kate, I'm Locke, I work with Dr. Tamerius, and while she's out of town this week, she asked me to respond to comments.
I'm so sorry about the situation with your sister, I'm sure that's very painful and upsetting for you.
Two things come to mind:
1) We all need to do the self-care necessary to keep ourselves sane, and it's understandable if some personal relationships feel too hard right now to repair. Not everyone can do everything with everyone right now. We're here to support you and guide you whenever you feel you can and want to try repairing things with your sister, but that's your decision, and if you need time and distance, that's okay.
2) That said, one thing we do try to embrace in Smart Politics is that no one is ever really too far gone. That can be difficult, especially in situations like yours, where you have close family ties, and as I said above, maybe it's not something you can fully take on right now--that's okay. But I want to support the idea that people can change back-- just as they went down that rabbit hole, they can be helped back up, but it can take time and care.
Even if you can't talk to your sister right now, do you feel you can keep the door open in the future for you or someone to help her find her way back?
Thank you so much for sharing your situation -- I know it's not easy, but I appreciate you being willing to speak out here about it.
Locke
I’ve taken the high road in the past and overlooked her poor behavior towards me….so I can see somewhere down the line, doing so again. I appreciate your support and feedback.
Of course, you're so welcome! I appreciate you sharing and being honest and open -- and I'm glad you're at least open to doing more sometime when you can. If you ever have questions or need support, please let us know.
Locke
Hello and thanks for your response. I guess my take is, she has to reach out to do the repairs. We have a 94 year old mother with dementia in memory care. I imagine we will see each other at some stage due to that. I’m feeling a bit numb right now to think about saving my sister. Maybe at some point…sad how this horrible man and president is more important to people than family……
That's such a challenge when trying to care for your mother--it can certainly make everything harder.
You know your sister and your dynamic with her best. But I will say in this work we sometimes have to be patient and be the "bigger person," even if (especially if) the other person isn't making an effort. It can feel like it's not fair, but we believe it's always possible the other person may not make the first step or effort, but they may be open to it if we open the door for them a bit and welcome them in, working hard to put aside our own expectations and judgment. That's really hard -- especially with close family, especially when also dealing with other family care challenges.
Do you feel there would ever be a time and opportunity for you to say something to your sister like (and I'm just guessing broadly here -- this may not reflect your dynamic) "I know we disagree on politics, but I care for you, and I care for our mom, and want to work with you to help her. And if you ever wanted to talk about our political differences, I'd be happy to try"? That may be a lot, maybe too much right now, but is at least any part of it something you could see yourself saying in the future?
Or don’t stay connected
Hi KT, I'm Locke, I work with Dr. Tamerius -- she's put of town this week and asked me to respond to comments when I can :)
It's very understandable to not want or feel like maintaining those connections right now. Many of us feel some of that to one degree or another.
Can I ask what your own reasons are for not wanting to connect with Trump supporters?
Thanks for commenting!
Locke
Thankfully neither my (American) wife nor myself have any close family members or friends who are trumpers. To us he is, and remains, a lout with patrimonial ambitions none of whose words or actions surprise us any more.
Dieter Ehrlich and Tillie Ch'ien (Living in France, for good measure).
I tried all these, patiently, for 5 years, with a close friend. But when T was inaugurated, and I and people I care about started to experience harm, I realized that my friend participated in
Creating these conditions. That’s when I decided I needed to end the relationship. There was no way to avoid politics in this situation, because everything is about politics now, even if it’s not about politics on the surface—understand? Your ideas can work with some relationships in my life, but not with someone I share my hopes and dreams with.
Hi Nancy, I know I responded to one of your comments last week over on my own post, and sorry to pop in here as well, but Karin is out of town this week and asked me to respond to comments :) She'll be back next week, and hopefully she can also respond to you. I know this is a difficult situation for you, and I appreciate you sharing it with us.
I'm also glad you feel these approaches can work with some relationships, if not all of them right now. I hope you'll continue hanging out with us and doing what you can do with the relationships where you feel it works.
These are such challenging times -- you're always welcome to share your own challenges here, and I hope we can provide some support and community.
Locke