Conversation Toolbox: Building Connection
We trust people we feel are like us. Sharing our interests, experiences, and goals with Trump voters builds connection in spite of our political differences.
Last week, I shared an overview of the two main tools Smart Politics uses to teach progressives to have more productive and persuasive conversations with Trump voters:
THE TRUST PYRAMID lays out our emotional goals for lowering defenses in conversation
Comfort: Show you won't attack or try to control them
Connection: Show interest, establish affinity, and form an alliance in pursuit of common goals
Comprehension: Show you understand them and their point of view
Compassion: Show you care about them and aren't just out for yourself
Credibility: Show you're rational, knowledgeable, and unbiased
THE PERSUASION CONVERSATION CYCLE guides us through how best to carry out a conversation
Ask nonjudgmental, open-ended questions
Listen to try to understand the other person's views
Reflect by summarizing the other person's perspective
Validate as you identify and name areas of common ground
Share your perspective without making an argument
In coming weeks, I’ll dive deeper into those ten total steps, with tips on how to make each more effective.
I’ve already written about creating Comfort, so let’s move on to the next step up on the Trust Pyramid: Connection.
THE TRUST PYRAMID, STEP TWO: CONNECTION
Once someone feels safe enough to enter a dialogue, the next step is to cultivate further trust through connection.
We aren’t out to manipulate or fake this—we want to have an honest and genuine desire to know this person better so that they trust us more, we trust them more, and we can both have a better conversation.
There are some powerful psychological forces at work when building this connection:
Mere Exposure Effect: People tend to develop an affinity for things (objects, people, places, and so on) simply because they are familiar.
Friend Signals: There are universally recognized facial expressions that convey friendly intention.
Reciprocal Liking: When someone perceives that they are liked or valued by another person, they tend to return those feelings.
Halo Effect: When we like someone in one respect, we tend to generalize those feelings to other things about them.
Along those lines, three things can strengthen a connection: affinity, intimacy, and alliance.
Affinity
We naturally gravitate toward people who are like us, so with that in mind, we want to show Trump voters how similar we are despite our differences on parties and politicians. That can mean shared experiences, values, goals, and emotions, even some policies we agree on.
Or we can simply start with shared non-political interests: music, gardening, crafting, reading, recreational activities, pets, sports teams. Those may seem trivial, but they can be a great place to build affinity and trust for moving forward. The goal is for the other person no longer see us (or our party or political identity) as the enemy or a stranger—and likewise, we don’t see them that way.
Try this: The next time you’re badly triggered by a social media post from a stranger—something you find very upsetting or angering from your progressive point of view, posted by someone you’re convinced you couldn’t stand in person—go to the home page, profile, or feed of the person who posted. Look through their non-political posts and photos for shared interests. Pictures of their pets or work they do with shelters? Music they like? Their favorite sports teams or hobbies? A trip they took? Holiday decorations? A car they restored or home they remodeled? Their garden or kitchen? Something kind they did for someone?
Now imagine responding to their post with something like, “I’m guessing we have very different views on this issue, and I’d love to discuss those with you. But first, I want to introduce myself and tell you how much I love your photos of….” or “I too am also really into…” or “That’s a great looking….” or “It was really good of you to….”
This may feel like schmoozing or kissing up, but that’s okay as long as your appreciation is genuine. You’re not kissing up, you’re looking for a safe, easy place to start connecting on shared experiences or tastes.
Intimacy
When we open up to others and they open up to us, we start to feel bonded. It’s funny—we often think people will like and respect us more if we conceal our flaws, but the opposite is true. When we’re open about our weaknesses—our fears, mistakes, and shortcomings—people’s trust is enhanced because it’s a sign we have nothing to hide. When they know we are who we appear to be, they’ll lower their defenses more and perhaps reveal a bit about themselves, too. In that sense, trusting others before they trust us is a reliable way of establishing new connections.
For example, we can admit that we find an issue hard to talk about or that we’re anxious about what the other person will think about us based on our opinions and positions. This expression of vulnerability then invites the other person to reciprocate with revelations about themselves. We can quickly connect in a political conversation by taking calculated risks about what vulnerabilities we share. The easiest way to do this is to be honest, authentic, and humble in our communication with others.
Admit we’ve behaved badly in past political conversations
Confess we’re feeling anxious about this conversation
Concede we’ve been wrong on issues and candidates in the past
Reveal our position on a divisive issue and admit we’re worried what they’ll think of it
We can use phrases like:
“Talking about politics with people I don’t know scares me, but here goes.”
“I could be wrong about this.”
“I’m not an expert on this.”
“What should I know that I don’t?”
“I’m afraid you’ll think less of me if I share my views.”
“I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”
“I have strong views about this and sometimes that biases my thinking.”
“It sounds like we disagree on this. Can you tell me where my thinking is mistaken?”
“My apologies for jumping to conclusions.”
Admitting our fallibility can leave us open to criticism and attack, but the amazing thing is that while it feels scary, it makes us safer. Not only will the other person trust us, but they’ll also like us more too. And this, in turn, will lower the temperature on some of their initial feelings about progressives (or The Left, or Democrats, or Liberals).
Plus, this liking tends to be mutually reinforcing. The more we win the other person’s affection, the more we’ll like them. And this, in turn, improves our ability to communicate with them.
An alliance in pursuit of common goals
This work is out to add complexity to people's belief systems, moving them from black-and white, all-or-nothing thinking into more nuanced shades. That’s why, the most powerful trust-building moment in a political conversation is when the person you’re talking with stops seeing you as on the “other side” and starts seeing you as on the same side — when “me vs. you” becomes “us vs. the problem.”
Be on the lookout for shared values and experiences, common ground on some policy issues or goals, or simply a shared desire to build a better, safer country and future for everyone in the younger generations. We focus on what unites us while minimizing what divides us: “It sounds like you and I want the same things, we just have different ideas about how to get there.”
At the end of this stage of a conversation, the other person should see you as someone they wouldn't mind encountering again. They've sized you up enough to know you aren't overtly hostile, crazily irrational, or so different from them as to be incomprehensible.
We’re not yet at at the top of the Pyramid! Next week, the third step of the Trust Pyramid: Seeking Comprehension.
Want to learn more about the Trust Pyramid and Persuasion Conversation Cycle?
Dr. Tamerius’ introductory webinar from last year
What is the Smart Politics Way?
Smart Politics encourages and teaches progressives to have more productive conversations with Trump voters. We believe the most effective actions for achieving short- and long-term progressive goals involve talking one-on-one with and listening compassionately and constructively to folks with different opinions.
My recent pieces on our work:
Why This is the Way https://karintamerius.substack.com/p/why-this-is-the-way
Five Things We Won’t Ask You to Do https://karintamerius.substack.com/p/five-things-smart-politics-wont-ask
Want to learn more about Smart Politics and get involved?
Every Sunday night (and some Wednesdays), we meet on Zoom to teach, share, and support one another. Sign up for email recaps and reminders about these weekly calls: https://forms.gle/XB9uw5rtzub5RF3e9
Locke Peterseim is the Smart Politics Content Manager.
Wow! I was reading this to learn more about having good conversations about politics. Now I realize it will also help me have more productive conversations with my patients and their families. Thank you so much! 😊
I tried all this, and it did work to build connection which turned into a close friendship. Looking back, I realized that he was never engaging in good faith. He wouldn’t read any information that I shared, even though I read and commented on what he shared with me. And then, at the end of the day, when 47’s actions started having an effect on me personally in several different ways, I realized that deep down, my friend and I had different values. He was MAGA and did not stand for empathy, justice, or compassion. He was happy that someone was causing harm on his behalf. He was OK with the destruction. That’s when I ended the friendship. I can’t be friends with fascists.