Conversation Toolbox: Creating Comfort
Building the Trust Pyramid starts by helping the other person feel safe
Last week, I shared an overview of the two main tools Smart Politics uses to teach progressives to have more productive and persuasive conversations with Trump voters:
The Trust Pyramid, which lays out our emotional goals for lowering defenses in conversation
The Persuasion Conversation Cycle, which guides us through how best to carry out a conversation
Each has five steps:
TRUST PYRAMID
Comfort: Show you won't attack or try to control them
Connection: Show interest, establish affinity, and form an alliance in pursuit of common goals
Comprehension: Show you understand them and their point of view
Compassion: Show you care about them and aren't just out for yourself
Credibility: Show you're rational, knowledgeable, and unbiased
PERSUASION CONVERSATION CYCLE
Ask nonjudgmental, open-ended questions
Listen to try to understand the other person's views
Reflect by summarizing the other person's perspective
Validate as you identify and name areas of common ground
Share your perspective without making an argument
In coming weeks, I’ll dive deeper into those ten total steps, with tips on how to make each more effective.
For now, let’s start with the bottom of the Trust Pyramid: Comfort.
THE TRUST PYRAMID, STEP ONE: COMFORT
The first step—the bottom or base of the Pyramid—is the foundation on which everything else is built. The most important part of this work is helping the other person feel safe enough to let down their defenses, have a conversation, and entertain new ideas.
This doesn’t mean we all need to feel perfectly safe—political conversations are inherently risky, and if someone feels “perfectly safe,” they’re less likely to step outside that safe zone and explore other, perhaps riskier (to them) ideas. But there’s a lot you can do to make them feel sufficiently comfortable to lower their guard.
Making people feel at ease is a challenge in political conversations in part because many people have experienced traumatic conversations in the past—they’ve had these kinds of chats go wrong and are naturally wary of doing it again. No one hears other viewpoints when they’re worried they’ll be yelled at for their beliefs or called a bad person. And after years of being labelled racist, sexist, selfish, ignorant fools, many Trump voters are wary of talking politics with anyone to the left of them. They’re likely every bit as nervous about talking politics with you as you may be, so make it clear you want to talk and listen—not “argue” or “debate” to “prove something.”
I suspect some of us may be thinking, “Well, what if they are some of those things?” But remember, that’s why we’re talking with them; to eventually help them change, or at least lower the polarization and negative partisanship on the political landscape. To do that, we want to have better conversations. And to do that, we build comfort and trust by showing openness, kindness, and respect instead of yelling or calling names.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Comfort
Establishing safety and comfort is as much about what you don’t do as what you do—for example, it’s essential to not attack or attempt to control the other person. The former will trigger ego defenses while the later will trigger emotional reactance.
Let’s start with the Don’ts
We know we shouldn’t do these things, but we’ve all caught ourselves acting badly when emotionally triggered in a political conversation:
Don't call people names
Don't question people's intelligence
Don’t use judgmental phrasing or tones when asking questions
Don't impugn people's motives
Don't mock people's beliefs
Don't question people's knowledge
Don't tell people they're ignorant or uneducated
Don't accuse people of being bad or evil
Some of that won’t be easy, especially when we hear misinformation, propaganda, or hot-button talking points from the other person. This is why we prepare ourselves emotionally for these conversations, and during them practice emotion and reaction management, including breathing and grounding ourselves when triggered.
See Dr. Tamerius’ Recent Pieces on Emotion Management:
But refraining from bad behavior isn’t enough; we also need to make others feel safe enough to talk with us. Keep in mind most people will be on high alert, expecting you to attack them at any moment. The best way to show them that won’t happen is through the opposite action: Welcome them in. We can increase their comfort by assuring the other person they are welcome to share views you disagree with. Let them know you are interested in understanding, not judging them, and that we will still like and care for them even if we disagree.
The Do’s: Ways to make them more comfortable:
Invite them to a conversation – welcome them, don’t demand. No one likes to be forced into a challenging dialogue against their will.
Remove ambiguity and set expectations. One big reason people shy away from political conversation is because they don't know what to expect, including how you’ll react to what they have to say. Addressing those questions from the start will help lower their anxiety: "I'm guessing you and I don't exactly see everything the same way. That's okay. I'm sure you have your reasons, and that's why I want to talk with you and hear your thoughts."
Tell them you won’t attack them. Being upfront and honest about our intentions can go a long way toward putting people at ease. "I'd really like to hear your point of view on this. If you share your perspective, I promise not to attack you or make you feel bad."
Let them know you respect the autonomy of their views, choices, and votes, and you won’t tell them what to do or try to control them. Let them know it's okay to say “no,” and they can leave the conversation at any time
Promise not to judge them as a person. If you've behaved badly (been judgy) in the past, apologize and explain how and why this time you’d like it to be different.
Set boundaries. Boundaries are clear guidelines about what behavior is and is not acceptable. Boundaries are especially important in situations where one or both of you have behaved badly in the past. For example, the first and easiest thing to lay out is that you won’t call each other names.
Let them know you’ll value your relationship with them no matter what.
If things get challenging or emotionally charged, remind yourself why you want to have the conversation in the first place; what your long-term goals are; why you value the other person and respect them as a fellow human being. Try to remain open and kind and supportive in not just your words, but your tone and body language.
Coming soon, the second step of the Trust Pyramid: Building a Connection.
Want to learn more about the Trust Pyramid and Persuasion Conversation Cycle?
Join me tomorrow night, Wednesday, March 12 at 7 pm ET on Zoom for a free Smart Politics Intro 101 session. I’ll lead an informal primer on the Smart Politics approach, including going over the Pyramid and Cycle, answering questions, and practicing with roleplaying and our Angry Uncle Bot AI training tool. It’s a great place to jump in! Sign up below via the Google form:
To receive the Zoom login info and on the mailing list for our weekly Zoom calls and updates, register your email address on this Google form: https://forms.gle/XB9uw5rtzub5RF3e9
Dr. Tamerius’ introductory webinar from last year
What is the Smart Politics Way?
Smart Politics encourages and teaches progressives to have more productive conversations with Trump voters. We believe the most effective actions for achieving short- and long-term progressive goals involve talking one-on-one with and listening compassionately and constructively to folks with different opinions.
My recent pieces on our work:
Why This is the Way https://karintamerius.substack.com/p/why-this-is-the-way
Five Things We Won’t Ask You to Do https://karintamerius.substack.com/p/five-things-smart-politics-wont-ask
Want to learn more about Smart Politics and get involved?
Every Sunday night (and some Wednesdays), we meet on Zoom to teach, share, and support one another. Sign up for email recaps and reminders about these weekly calls: https://forms.gle/XB9uw5rtzub5RF3e9
Locke Peterseim is the Smart Politics Content Manager.