Wonder Why They Voted for Trump? Here’s a Crazy Idea: Ask Them
Productive conversations must start with non-judgmental curiosity
Programming Note: This piece begins my deeper dive into the steps of the Smart Politics Persuasion Conversation Cycle, as developed by our founder, Dr. Karin Tamerius. The Cycle is the core of our hands-on Smart Politics work—it’s what we teach folks to carry out more productive and (as the name suggests) persuasive conversations with folks we disagree with, for example Trump voters.
These Cycle steps are part of a larger process designed to help teach folks the “how-to” once they’ve decided to try this work, to try to have these kinds of conversations. If you’re new to Smart Politics and this is the first piece you’re seeing, learn more about how the Persuasion Conversation Cycle works to build the Trust Pyramid:
Step One of the Persuasion Conversation Cycle: ASK
We at Smart Politics believe talking with Trump voters is an important part of saving democracy in America. But how do we start the conversation in a way that doesn’t make the other person defensive, cause them to storm off, or leaves them unwilling to talk politics with us in the future?
Someone once said, “Be curious not judgmental.” (It might have been Coach Theodore Lasso… or maybe Walt Whitman? Or The Charlotte Observer? I think it had something to do with playing darts against Rupert Giles?) I hate to fall back on TV-show catchphrases, but I can’t deny that’s a great place to start.
Too often our first impulse is to ask questions that try to score points rather than welcome someone to share their views. Argumentative questions that aren’t neutral, open-ended, or curious almost always backfire—all of us are less likely to engage in dialogue or change our minds when we feel defensive, so we need to keep things non-threatening. We’re not here to fight, trick, or corner someone and disprove their beliefs as we magically show them the error of their ways.
Remember the steps up the Trust Pyramid—our questions should help us build:
When we start by asking the other person a fair, genuine question, we show them we’re interested first in them and what they believe, as opposed to arguing with them, telling them they’re wrong, or shouting (and shutting) them down with facts and figures. We’re saying we want to hear and understand their point of view.
To that end, we want our questions to be:
Neutral: No right or wrong answer.
Open-ended: Can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no” but instead encourage elaboration on views and opinions.
Curious: Showing our genuine desire to learn and understand more about the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Our immediate goal isn’t to persuade but to help them feel comfortable enough to let their guard down and talk. We know we’ve asked a good question when the other person takes the opportunity and runs with it, spilling out a wealth of bottled-up thoughts and feelings (yes, sometimes at length).
Get In the Right Mode
If coming up with good opening questions is difficult, we may be in the wrong mindset. In Think Again, Adam Grant highlights political scientist Philip Tetlock’s research that shows when we talk, we tend to slip into one of three professions: preachers, prosecutors, or politicians.
Grant explains:
“We go into preacher mode when our sacred beliefs are in jeopardy: we deliver sermons to protect and promote our ideals.
We enter prosecutor mode when we recognize flaws in other people’s reasoning: we marshal arguments to prove them wrong and win our case.
We shift into politician mode when we’re seeking to win over an audience: we campaign and lobby for the approval of our constituents.”
All three modes are problematic for Smart Politics because they trigger defensiveness. When we become preachers, we threaten the other person’s identities and values. When we become prosecutors, we threaten their self-esteem and worldview. When we become politicians, we threaten their sense of security by coming off insincere and self-serving.
In our conversations, it’s better to adopt a scholarly mindset and focus on gathering information like a scientist (or a doctor expressing concern) rather than trying to shape the other person’s views. A useful approach is to think of ourselves as anthropologists talking with someone from a different culture: Instead of trying to make them more like us (preaching) or focusing on why their culture is wrong (prosecuting), or winning them over to our side (politicking), we should try to discover how they’re different, explore the underlying logic behind their views, and learn how they came to be that way. We can even directly ask: “What sorts of experiences have shaped your thinking on this issue?”
The initial “Ask” depends on the conversation’s context
Are the alarming times we find ourselves in driving us to finally sit down and have a political conversation with a Trump-voting friend or loved one who we don’t normally talk politics with? Then we may want to start with something broad, like, “I know we probably didn’t support the same candidates last year, but it’d really help me understand things better if you felt comfortable sharing why you voted the way you did.” Learning directly from them what issues they felt they were voting in support of can be very useful later when we check to see if they feel those issues are being addressed now.
Maybe you and the other person have talked (perhaps argued) politics in the past, and now you’d like to focus on the current political landscape. You might say, “I’d love to check in with you on how you feel about everything going on these days. What do you think of the administration’s actions so far?” Asking them to access their feelings today versus their electoral goals last fall is an excellent way to feel out any cognitive dissonance or buyer’s remorse they may be starting to experience. You can also follow up with questions like, “What actions are you happy with? Are there things you’d have liked to see done differently? Are there things you’re concerned about?”
Or perhaps you have a very specific, upsetting topic in mind and want to start there: “I’ll be honest, I’m pretty worried about the administration doing… [insert current Crisis of the Week], and I’m curious what your feelings are about that.” The key here is to make sure we ask in ways that don’t feel like accusations, courtroom examinations, or traps. Don’t say, “How could you possibly support this!?!”
If none of that feels comfortable, just go general in a non-threatening or judgmental tone: “How do you feel things are going in the country these days?” (If it feels right, you can preface it with, “I gotta admit, I feel like these are pretty crazy, stressful times…”)
Important Exception to the “First Ask” rule: “They started it.” Many political conversations we have these days start not with us planning to talk with a Trump voter, but with someone stating something we find shocking or objectionable—perhaps in person (at the holiday dinner table) or on social media. In those cases, where the other person is choosing the topic and declaring their feelings about it first, and we feel a need or an opportunity to respond, it’s better to NOT fire back immediately with an “Ask.”
The idea behind the initial “Ask” is to get the conversation started, but in these cases, it’s already going—now our aim is to keep it constructive and productive. Asking them right away to explain themselves can feel like “grilling” to the other person, so instead you should first reflect back what they just stated. (Don’t worry, we’ll cover the “Reflect” step of the Persuasion Conversation Cycle in-depth in the next piece.) Once we’ve reflected a bit, then we can circle back and continue asking further and follow-up questions.
“Ask” Do’s and Don’ts
Avoid:
Leading questions that guide someone toward the answer you want. E.g., “It’s wrong to imprison anyone for life in a horrific foreign gulag, right?” Try instead: “How do you feel about the United States sending people to prisons in other countries?”
Loaded questions that force others to accept a premise they disagree with. E.g., “Why are you so racist?” Try instead: “Do you think race plays a role in our current politics and the administration’s actions?”
Gotcha questions to catch them saying something contradictory or hypocritical. E.g., “Didn’t you say government corruption, waste, and criminal behavior is bad? Why doesn’t that apply to Trump?” Try instead: “What do you feel should be done about corruption and waste in government?”
Personal attacks disguised as questions, letting our frustration and anger lash out. E.g., “Why would you join such a stupid cult of personality?” Try instead: “What qualities do you look for and trust in a leader or politician?”
Questions that start with negative, accusatory framing: “How could you…” “Why would anyone…” “Don’t you…” “I can’t believe you really think…”
Bad and Better Questions
Bad: How could you vote for Trump once, let alone multiple times?!
Better: Could you help me understand why you vote the way you do?
***
Bad: Why do you support a clearly authoritarian fascist regime?
Better: What is it about Trump’s governing style that appeals to you?
***
Bad: Can you believe they want to destroy our democracy?!
Better: How do you feel about the state of democracy in America?
***
Bad: You can’t possibly support all the crap they’re doing, can you?
Better: Are there actions or policies from this administration that you have questions or concerns about?
***
Bad: Aren’t you worried they’re going to crash our economy into inflation, recession, or worse?
Better: How do you think things are going with the economy?
***
Bad: Do you really think all vaccines are bad?
Better: What’s your take on vaccines?
***
Bad: Are you telling me you’re okay with just letting climate change destroy our world?
Better: Are there ways extreme weather has affected your life?
***
Bad: Aren’t you worried DOGE and the GOP are out to destroy Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid?
Better: What support programs are important to you and your loved ones?
***
Bad: Don’t you care about due process for everyone?
Better: What are your thoughts on due process?
Now that we’re asking better questions that won’t shut down the other person, we’ll need to work on our listening skills. In an upcoming piece, I’ll take a look at the next steps on the Cycle: Listen and Reflect.
What is the Smart Politics Way?
Smart Politics encourages and teaches progressives to have more productive conversations with Trump voters. We believe the most effective actions for achieving short- and long-term progressive goals involve talking one-on-one with and listening compassionately and constructively to folks with different opinions.
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Locke Peterseim is the Smart Politics Content Manager.
Great article, Locke! All the specific examples of questions that lead to defensiveness and not open, respectful dialogue are helpful. Many communication experts do not provide the clarity that you have!