Breaking Bad Habits When Talking With Trump Voters
The structure of the Persuasion Conversation Cycle slows us down so we can be more effective listeners and sharers
Connection, empathy, and trust are key to being more persuasive when talking with Trump supporters. But when we’re neck deep in a heated political conversation with someone, how do we actually do all that without losing our cool?
We’ve been going over the five steps in the Smart Politics Trust Pyramid, our guide to lowering defenses and building, well, trust with someone who disagrees with us by building:
That all sounds great on paper, right? But too often we don’t know how to achieve those goals in real-life, real-time conversations. We know we should aim for what the Pyramid suggests; we want to, we try to, but our emotions get the better of us. We get frustrated and lost in firing facts and figures back and forth; we get impassioned and angry, and those lofty goals end up feeling like an inspirational poster on the wall…probably with a picture of a kitten. Nice ideas, but that’s as far as they go.
So how do we climb the Pyramid when it comes time to sit across the table from a Trump voter; a friend, a family member, a co-worker and really talk? How do we turn all this wonderful, idealistic theory into real-world results?
Hop on the Cycle!
That’s where the Persuasion Conversation Cycle (PCC) comes in – it’s our hands-on tool for, as the name suggests, better persuading someone by meeting their emotional needs during conversation. It’s how we make those inspirational posters into reality.
The Cycle is the workhorse, the beating heart of Smart Politics, the wheel we ride to the top of the Pyramid, and other mixed metaphors. It consists of five steps meant to be followed in order, but also created to be flexible to allow looping, back-tracking, and repetition as necessary:
ASK questions – Build trust and comfort with others by letting them lead the conversation. We want to learn what they believe, and we also want them to know the conversation is about them, not us.
LISTEN to their replies – Practice being a better listener to build connection and show them we’re not here to lecture and scold.
REFLECT back what they said – Paraphrasing and repeating what we think they said builds compassion by letting them know they’re heard but also makes sure we heard them correctly and fully understand what they mean, therefore increasing comprehension.
VALIDATE what ideas of theirs we can – This can be tricky, as we’ll discuss in future deep dives, but while we certainly don’t agree with everything they say, we can almost always find some sort of shared beliefs or goals that we can validate and in doing so, continue to show compassion and earn cognitive trust.
SHARE our own story or perspective on the topic – This, of course, is where most of us want to start our conversations, which is why they often fall short of our goals. The Cycle asks us to hold back our own thoughts until we’ve given the other person a chance to talk and we’ve built that all-important trust with them. Then we share in ways that don’t undermine that trust or make the other person defensive.
Just as I spent the past month diving deeper into each step of the Pyramid, this month I’ll do the same for the five steps of the cycle. But first, I want to explain why we use the PCC even when it can feel awkward and constraining.
You can learn more about the Trust Pyramid and the Persuasion Conversation Cycle in our intro to The Smart Politics Toolbox.
Yep, Conversational Structures Can Feel Awkward
I’ll be honest: The Cycle didn’t always come naturally to me, and it may not for you at first, either. Some of us may find this kind of carefully planned approach to conversation somewhat clunky, artificial, or forced; lacking spontaneity and authenticity.
But while I used to think of myself as a pretty decent conversationalist and interviewer, once I started practicing with the PCC, I realized I was more of a lecturer than a listener—a performer waiting for the other person to finish talking so I could go off on an extended rant about what I thought.
That’s when I began to appreciate the Persuasion Conversation Cycle for how it helped me reverse life-long bad conversational habits—not only focusing more on asking questions and listening carefully to the answers but being more patient and waiting to share my opinions. I learned that when using the Cycle correctly, we should only speak about 20% of the time while making room for the other person to do 80% of the talking.
So yes, at first using the PCC can feel awkward. Not only are we going against our conversational instincts (and maybe some Debate Team training), but when learning a new approach like this, a lot of our energy and attention is spent trying to remember and stick to the steps instead of paying attention to what the other person is saying. It can be like learning a new dance step—we’re so obsessed with where to put our feet, we barely notice the music or our dance partner.
The Cycle Slows Us Down—and That’s a Good Thing
The first time we use the Cycle in a real conversation, we may find it slows us down, as we’re constantly checking to see what’s next while looping back through the steps repeatedly. But that’s a feature not a bug. Too often we move too fast in a political conversation, jumping straight into arguing facts or pushing back on the other person’s views in hopes of making someone change their mind. In doing so, we short-change or skip entirely the part where we work—slowly, carefully—to understand the other person’s point of view and their concerns and building the necessary trust, empathy, and compassion we’ll need for them to hear our own point of view later.
The PCC structure keeps things slow and steady and on track. Not only does it help us avoid potential conversational landmines that can cause the other person to become defensive and shut down, but it also lowers the likelihood of us saying something rash in the heat of an argument that we didn’t really mean and instantly regret.
Slap on the Training Wheels
Let’s keep the honesty going: Using a guide like the Cycle is also a lot more work and less fun than just preaching our views. Like riding a bike, we may think we can just hop on the first time and take off, flying along free and easy like the wind. Instead, we end up feeling terrified and out of control. Or worse, we think we’re doing great only to hit a wall and go flying over the handlebars.
The point of the Cycle and Smart Politics itself is that our old ways of having conversations with people who disagree with us politically are based on a lot of bad habits that work against our goals: Arguing, lecturing, debating, listening to return fire, trying to “win” the conversation.
This work isn’t just about learning new and better ways to communicate but also breaking those bad conversational habits that we’ve probably been using all our lives (especially when it comes to politics and other hot-button issues)—they’re often ingrained, deep grooves or tendencies we tend to slip back into. Changing them requires a structured, disciplined approach; one we practice over and over until it’s eventually internalized. That’s why we often think of the Cycle as conversational training wheels.
Using the Cycle can also help those of us who may lack comfort and confidence when managing tricky, emotional conversations or who go out of our way to avoid tense situations and conversations. If we practice using the Cycle, then when we get nervous or confused or lost in a particularly intense or triggering conversation—or we’re just not sure what to say next—we can fall back on its simple structure to shore us up and keep us on track. Sometimes it can even help us get the conversation started, which can be paralyzing.
The Persuasion Conversation Cycle’s structure keep us in the conversation, giving us space to process our own emotions while helping manage others’, and keeping the conversation moving forward in ways that are productive and effective. It’s the training wheels that keep us from falling over or hitting a wall. And like those training wheels, the Cycle may feel awkward and silly at first, but the more we practice and make it part of our mental muscle memory, the easier and more effective our conversations become, until eventually we can take the training wheels off and ride.
In coming weeks, let’s dive into each of the five Change Conversation steps, starting with Ask!
What is the Smart Politics Way?
Smart Politics encourages and teaches progressives to have more productive conversations with Trump voters. We believe the most effective actions for achieving short- and long-term progressive goals involve talking one-on-one with and listening compassionately and constructively to folks with different opinions.
More on our work:
Why This is the Way https://karintamerius.substack.com/p/why-this-is-the-way
Five Things We Won’t Ask You to Do https://karintamerius.substack.com/p/five-things-smart-politics-wont-ask
Want to learn more about Smart Politics and get involved?
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Locke Peterseim is the Smart Politics Content Manager.
One thing that I find really helpful: I give up on the idea that I'll ever change their mind. I settle for better understanding their point of view and emotions (knowledge is power, right)? And ideally that they'll better understand mine. It won't solve polarization, but at least if they understand that I may have good reasons for why I protest, then it helps turn down the temperature.
I couldn't agree more with the way forward being one driven by compassionate and constructive listening .
Every step , every hoped for outcome hinges on one thing that was mentioned in passing when discussing the benefits of slowing down and that is - understanding . Without that , nothing gets truly started , gained or sustained no matter how polished the technique.