The 10 Types of Trust You Need to Persuade a Republican

And how to earn it.

Persuasive conversations are built with strong relationships — not arguments.

Most political conversations between Republicans and Democrats go off the rails from the start because not enough time (let’s be honest, no time) is invested in building trust. Instead of nurturing a relationship with the other person, we just barge in and tell them they’re wrong and expect them to take our word for it.

If you want people who disagree with you to consider what you have to say, you must first establish ten types of trust. You can be very smart, have great evidence, and sound logic, but if you don’t cultivate trust first, people will be naturally wary of your perspective. On the other hand, earn their trust and they’ll take what you say seriously, even when it’s highly at odds with their worldview.

#1 Safety: “You won’t hurt me”

First and foremost in a political conversation, people need to know they aren’t in danger. That means refraining from personal attacks, of course, but often that alone is not enough. In our polarized political climate most people assume they’re threatened until proven otherwise. That’s why when I start a dialogue, I tell the other person upfront that I disagree with them while respectfully inviting them to share their views: “I tend to see this issue differently, but I’m curious to hear more about your perspective. How did you come to think this way about it?”

#2 Autonomy: “You won’t try to control me”

No one wants to be told what to think or do, especially by someone they consider their equal. They might take orders from someone they see as a legitimate authority, but they’ll balk if a fellow citizen tries it. To reassure someone I’m not trying to control them, I often explicitly say so: “Obviously, I’d like to persuade you, but it’s not my place to tell you what to believe. You have to draw your own conclusions.”

#3 Vulnerability: “You’re risking something”

Most people withhold trust in a relationship until they know you also have something to lose. When having a political conversation, I’ve found several ways to show this kind of vulnerability:

• Risk rejection by being honest about my difference of opinion.

• Confess authentic anxiety about discussing the topic with them.

• Have the conversation in a public place where fellow progressives can see me “consorting with the enemy,” thereby risking rejection from my peers

#4 Understanding: “You get me”

One of the most important ways to cultivate trust is to show the other person you’ve listened to their point of view and understand where they’re coming from. One of the best ways to demonstrate understanding is to accurately reflect back what they said by verbally summarizing their argument. Doing so builds trust because it shows you’re really listening and see them as they actually are, not some caricature you assume them to be.

#5 Affinity: “You’re like me”

We naturally trust people similar to us because we believe they want the same things. Likewise, we’re slow to trust people significantly different from us because we’re not sure their values and interests are aligned with ours. To build a connection, we need to find and bond over common ground both inside and outside politics. For example, when talking politics with other parents, I often mention my kids because we likely share many parenting experiences.

#6 Alliance: “You’re on my side”

The most powerful trust-building moment in a political conversation is when the person you’re talking with stops seeing you as on the “other side” and starts seeing you as on the same side — when “me vs. you” becomes “us vs. the problem.” To get there, I focus on goals and values that unite us while minimizing what divides us: “It sounds like you and I want the same things, we just have different ideas about how to get there.”

#7 Friendship: “You care about me”

No one wants to be used, so at first people watch for signs you’re just buttering them up to take advantage. That’s why it’s critical to show them your relationship isn’t transactional but based on genuine affection and concern for their well-being. The most important way to do this is to acknowledge and appropriately respond to their emotional experiences. Celebrate their joys and offer sympathy when they’re suffering. Even more powerful is to make a sacrifice on their behalf by, for example, defending them in a political argument when they’re attacked by someone on “your side.”

#8 Objectivity: “You’re fair and unbiased”

When it comes to influencing someone’s political beliefs, demonstrating your personal objectivity is more important than presenting objective information. That means acknowledging the parts of their argument you agree with, ideally bolstered with examples from your own life. And if they make a point that changes even a small part of your view, tell them! Letting them know they’ve influenced you shows them you aren’t blinded by your own preconceptions.

#9 Rationality: “You’re reasonable”

A big hurdle in political conversations is that different folks have different definitions of “normal.” To me the idea of democratic socialism and a world without prisons is inspiring, but for a Republican it may conjure up terrifying visions of mob violence and Stalinesque workcamps. If I advocate for my ideas without providing context, a Republican might write me off as “a crazy Berkeley leftist” long before I get a chance to persuade them. Instead, I need to prove I’m a reasonable person before getting into highly contested topics so the other person will hang in there with me when the conversation gets challenging. To demonstrate your rationality, start on common ground and gradually work toward ideas outside the other person’s political comfort zone.

#10 Wisdom: “You know things I don’t”

A lot of what you know is a result of your own studies and life experience, and when relevant, it makes sense to want to share that information in a political conversation. But just because you consider yourself a knowledgable source, doesn’t mean the other person does. Before you present others with information contrary to their views, they need to see you as a trustworthy source of information. The best way to do that is to establish your wisdom on topics where you agree before offering your knowledge about areas where you disagree.

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Now that you know the ten types of trust you need to establish in a political conversation, you may be wondering how anyone can do all that in a single conversation (or even ten).

Fortunately, there are tools that can make earning trust easier. In particular, the Change Conversation Pyramid and the Change Conversation Cycle will help you engage with folks you disagree with in a way that naturally builds trust. To learn more, join me for an upcoming “Introduction to Smart Politics” webinar. The next one is on March 9 at 8 pm ET. Free and sliding scale tickets available (while they last)

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